The biggest fear I harbored during my pregnancy was in regard to breastfeeding. Some women seem more concerned about the labor and delivery, but at the end of the day, that baby's going to come out one way or another and breastfeeding isn't as automatic. First there's the milk that your body needs to create, then there's your baby's latch, then there's the personal commitment … long story short, there are a ton of variables and it's almost like the stars have to align in a perfect pattern.
I was and have been extremely lucky in this regard. Anna was able to latch within the first hour of her delivery (and on the first try!) and my colostrum was ready and available. I remember my L&D nurse Anne helped me with that first nursing session and I simply stared down in shock, amazement, and pride that I was able to provide for my daughter in this way. While in the hospital I beamed as I was feeding Anna and my nurse came in with a student shadow, saw me nursing and then told the student to take a look at my technique as "everything about it is perfect." My milk came in on schedule and other than a minor engorgement issue we did really well those first few weeks.
Part of the fantastic family leave policy my company provides is access to a Lactation Consultant for as long as we're nursing. This is in addition to a very reduced price we pay for a top-of-the-line pump and a really great book on breastfeeding. My LC had reached out to me a few weeks before my last day in the office and we decided to touch base again when my leave started and when I'd have more time to talk, granted, this was supposed to be two weeks before my due date. When she called a couple of days after Anna was born, she was surprised to hear I was already in the throws of motherhood and her timing was perfect. Since then her timing has always been impeccable, just as I feel like there's an issue or I might have a question, a call from her comes through.
For me, breastfeeding was something that was extremely important and was a gift I desperately wanted to give to Anna. My mom breastfed both my brother and I in a time when breastfeeding was something only handful of mothers did (I find it very ironic that the bigger push in the 70's and early 80's was using cloth diapers). She worked full time and pumped while she was away from us. She told me that although she had a private office, it didn't stop some of her male co-workers from making "moo'ing" noises outside her door while she pumped during the day. In asking for advice from friends and co-workers I heard stories of women having to pump in a bathroom stall or in their car. All of these women are my inspiration and when the going gets tough, or I'm sitting in the Mother's room at work, exposed and feeling more like a cow than a woman; I think of them and it keeps me going. (I also catch up on facebook, blogs, and read magazines … not a bad way to spend 30 minutes twice a day, no questions asked.)
In addition to the feelings of guilt about returning to work, I was deathly afraid that continuing to breastfeed would be an issue as well. I looked to several friends and my LC for advice. I'd started storing milk over the summer by adding an extra pumping session during Anna's morning nap or after she went down for the night. To say I was thrilled my first day back at work when I pumped and was only an ounce shy of what she needed for the next day (which I'd make up with my evening session), is an understatement. Since then I've managed to only use a few frozen ounces and Miss Anna is thriving.
The reason for this post now is that I was having a rough week last week. I'm four weeks back at work and although it's going well, I miss my baby more than I ever imagined during the day. On the flip side, I have pangs of guilt because I enjoy having some time away from her. Balance is something that will always be a work in progress for me. On top of that I've been battling an on-again-off-again cold and was feeling really worn down. Over the past couple of days my milk supply had suffered as a result and I was starting to get worried. And then, just like clockwork, my LC called.
I was explaining my routine, which includes forcing myself to stay up until 10pm to pump before going to bed (the bain of my existence some days), and asking her a few questions. As soon as I stopped talking and caught my breath she said "Jen, I'm sooooo proud of you! You've made it work and you are extremely dedicated to this! Way to go! Every ounce she's gained and the fact that she's thriving is because of you!"
Sometimes, as a Mom, you just need to hear those words and for me they came at just the right time. We try so hard to find the right balance, to do what's best for our babies while still caring for ourselves, our homes, and our loved ones. It's easy to forget that while everything might not be perfect, there are still some pretty great things that you're doing. Our routine these days includes me waking up at 5:30am to shower and get everything I can think of ready before feeding her around 6:30am, pumping at work around 10am and 2pm, and feeding her 1-2 times in the evening. It's working so far and I'm proud that I'm almost halfway to my one-year goal!
My first day back at the office my secretary had a gift on my desk, a book called
"Mommy Prayers" that I have related to more than anything ever in my life, and has provided a several belly-laughs over the past few weeks. I felt it was serendipitous that one of the first "prayers" I read was this …
"Dear God, Here I am, huddled in a dusty utility closet, half naked and half deafened by the noise of my top-of-the-line, ultra-expensive double breast pump, which is supposed to be "whisper-quiet," but is not. I'm staring at a picture of my sweet baby girl and working on my relaxation breathing, all in an effort to suck as much breast milk out of me as humanly possible in the fifteen minutes before my next conference call. With the dials turned all the way up "stun" and both breasts going simultaneously, I'm feeling more like a cow than a human right now. Lord, but I don't want you to think I'm not grateful for my tiny closet. Though it could use a lock on the door - last week Dave from Sales Support walked in on me, which was extra funny seeing as how the poor kid is nearly young enough to remember nursing himself. This pumping business is awkward for everyone, Lord. Please give me the patience and strength to hang in there for the sake of my baby daughter. And please help Dave recover from his embarrassment long enough to be able to look me in the eye at next week's meeting. Thanks, God."
I couldn't have written it better myself!
Thanks for hanging in there with me on this post. Part of the reason I keep a blog so that I can personally look back on my days and remember what was happening, a diary of sorts. I choose to write about what's going on in our lives and what's important to me, and if you can't tell, this is something that I'm pretty passionate about. I know that a few of my readers are mothers as well, and maybe they'll benefit from my experience. By no means do I pass judgement on mothers who don't or haven't breastfed their babies, it's a personal choice and there are often variables out of our control that dictate a path we take in this regard.
And now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to stare at a picture of this little girl while I set my pump to "stun."
