Friday Funny

Me and my girls!

This pic was taken a few weeks ago, but I thought it was appropriate to post since I'm celebrating my first week withOUT chemo in a month ; this is what it's all about!

PS - I think we sometimes terrify Madeline, she seems to be wise for her years in knowing that her family in a little (or a lot!) crazy!

Letter to Charlotte: Month forty-eight

Dear Charlotte,

My spunky, sassy, Mommy’s girl spitfire that keeps us all on our toes; you’re four! Even though you’re a middle child, I still see you as my baby … and I think you’re happy to take on that role most days : ) I knew the minute you were born that you and your older sister would be different, not only in looks, but in personality; and boy was I right. You challenge me in ways I didn’t know possible, but love in an even bigger way. We’ll call you a passionate leader right now … and I just hope that you eventually lead a company and not a prison gang. Kidding … sort of : )

You are a talker and have a lot to say. Most of it’s true, some of it’s fabricated, but it’s ALL loud and urgent. You’re still in a phase where you want to tell me everything, and in great detail, and it can be exhausting. I keep reminding myself that one day you’ll respond in grunts or not at all and that I should enjoy this phase, but you have A LOT to say. You prefer we repeat after you to acknowledge we heard you appropriately and have no tolerance for abbreviations or misunderstandings. We’re working on interrupting your sister and other family members, but it’s a slow go because what you want to tell us apparently needs to be spoken RIGHT NOW.

A lot goes on in your head and you often times have a hard time getting it out. But you’re smart and cunning, in a sweet way. For example, if you don’t want to do something, you’ll throw out a line such as “if you make me try to potty, my pee pees will get very mad and make my stomach hurt” or “washing my hands makes them frustrated, so I’ll just use sanitizer” or “brushing my teeth makes them sad.” I know we’re supposed to keep a straight face as we parent in these situations, but we usually can’t and don’t,  and that generally makes you even more upset or demonstrative about the situation. Your dad is the worst; he cackles like a little kid … and you really don’t like that : )

You’re creative and smart and tickle us daily with the games you play, stories you invent, and the names you give your stuffed animals. You have specific places all of your toys go and an inventory of every knick knack you’ve collected, sticker you’ve stuck, and picture you’ve drawn; and know exactly where they should be. The stuffed animals are by far my favorites; your current fave is Figaro (aka Figs, Figgy) (the cat from Mickey Mouse, a gift from Anna), Cornfield (Shamu from Sea World), Little Rainbow (a not very little owl), Turkey (a giraffe), Blueberry (a blue bear), Elsa (a blue cheetah), and Figaro’s Mom.

You and your sister get along like sisters. There’s a lot of love, a little bickering, and you know how to push each other’s buttons. You have a barrage of games you play many time transcending characters and story lines and I can hardly keep up. You generally play well together and have a hard time when Anna wants to be alone or do something without you. You love your baby sister too, but obviously at this time you and Anna have a different and much closer bond. I never had a sister and with your Uncle being 4 years my junior, this is all uncharted territory for me.

You love to draw, write your name, and invent stories to go with each picture your mind creates. Your fine motor skills are amazing for your age and the ideas you come up with impress everyone. I walked into your preschool room one day and you were making a book and had also instructed your friends on folding the paper, gluing the pages, and had asked your teacher to help you with the text of what you wanted to say on each page. You weren’t even four! Your sister started bringing home reading homework after the holiday break and any evening that she had homework, you insisted on joining in, so I made up worksheets for you; you sat beside Anna and plugged away.

You’re very even keel and everyone’s friend at school, usually avoiding conflict or trouble. Last summer you were in a small preschool room and wound up being the only girl in class. The director approached your Dad and I, worried we’d be concerned with the gender ratio, but in talking to your teachers, they knew you’d be fine; and you were. You now know more about super heroes than I could ever teach you and are one of the boys many times in class and on the playground.

You took FOR-EVER to potty train this last year and have a bladder of steel. We tried a few times with the same method we used with Anna and you simply refused and held your bladder all day. So we waited a few weeks and would try again. Eventually you gave in about 5 weeks before I was due to deliver your baby sister and I’ll never forget the “joy” of sitting with you in the powder room, on a stool, a million months pregnant, swollen and achy, listening to you play the Elmo potty game on your iPad and hearing the sound of pee in the toilet. You took to peeing eventually, but pooping was another story and you reserved that for your pull-up at naptime or nighttime; never having a poop accident at school or outside of our house; but oh-so-many in your room. I will admit I cried about that many nights and thought we’d send you off to college in poopy pull-ups. But true to how you do everything, the flip switched for you one day as you turned four and you were done with that; and have since gone on the potty religiously.

You are your own person, Charlotte Rose, and you remind us of that daily, usually in good ways. You have the best smile, give the best hugs, and love so so so so passionately it’s easy to forget the tantrums that come with them. You can cry on a dime, but forgive just as quickly as you got mad or upset.  Although your independence and the fire inside of you can be exhausting, I hope you never lose it. You’re destined to big things, little girl, and I want to be there for you each step of the way.

Love,

Mom

Friday Funny

95% of my shopping is done online ...  I have no idea how my Mom ever got anything purchased for us growing up!

Bathtime giggles

I double dog dare you to watch this and not smile : )

Raspberry fingers

Never gets old and I think I'll be measuring raspberries for Charlotte in increments of five until she leaves this house : ) 

Sous chef (a series)

We had to make muffins on our last special Tuesday stay-home day; chocolate chip of course because they're Charlotte's favorite!

Feeding with love

Being out of control is not my strong suit, in fact it’s a place of discomfort for me and I don’t like it one bit. As a cancer patient, I find myself there often.

During my pregnancy with Madeline, a kidney issue was detected and I was eventually referred to a nephrologist who followed me through the end of my pregnancy. We discussed many theories around the cause of the kidney issue, including the fact that it was related to pregnancy in a roundabout way. When the issue didn’t resolve post-partum, we started testing, and lots of it. Everything suspected came back negative and eventually a kidney biopsy was needed to understand the root cause. The results of the biopsy revealed an autoimmune disease where antibodies were being created to attack my kidneys. Riddle solved? Not so fast; now she needed to understand what underlying disease was at fault. More testing was scheduled, but in the meantime I needed to start medication to protect my kidneys. Medication that was not compatible with breastfeeding.

I breastfed Anna and Charlotte until they weaned around one year of age. It was something I wanted to do, something I enjoyed, and something I vowed to do with each of my children as long as it was worked for all parties. For almost a year with both of the big girls my life revolved around a feeding schedule, bras that unlatched, clothing that was easily accessible, and a mental note on the number of ounces of milk were in my freezer at any given moment. It was a sacrifice of love, but one I was more than happy to make because it was my choice and what worked for our family.

Weaning Madeline early hit me hard. Because it wasn’t my choice and because I had no control. I didn’t know how to tell her I couldn’t provide food for her. How to tell her she had to take a bottle instead of the comfort she’d known her entire life. I felt like a failure in all sense of Motherhood. 

*Dramatic much, I know … *

I saw my doctor on November 30 and received my prescriptions that same day. I cried when she left the room and made a half-assed attempt to pull it together when her (really bad) MA came back to review the details. My doctor understood I’d need some time to wean the baby, but had also already given me some leeway until she knew exactly which drugs were needed, and was frank that not starting the medication could put me at a higher risk for eventual dialysis. The choice was clear, but emotions made it hazy, as did the tears. I needed to be a good mother to my baby and other girls, and I couldn’t do that if I was sicker than need be.

My goal was one bottle the first day, December 1. And one additional bottle each day after. I’d pump in between for comfort, and used the small frozen milk supply I’d accumulated, slowly mixing formula and increasing the ratio each day. Breastfeeding experts recommend that first bottles be given by someone other than the Mother to ease the confusion, but in this case, I needed to be the one to make this transition. And it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I was heartbroken. Madeline cried for 30 minutes straight before eventually drinking her first bottle. I’ll never forget the confused look in her eyes. I’ll never forget the sound of her cry. We both cried. A lot. I was truly in mourning, and to this day I still feel pangs of sadness and tears well up when I think of that week.

The second day was a tiny bit better, but still grueling. Each day she cried a little less … 25 minutes, 20 minutes, 15 minutes. We found bottles we both liked after some trial and error and I asked around for tips to make the process easier (formula pitchers, bottle warmers … all the gear). I bought into the old wives tales and took Sudafed and stuffed by bra with cabbage leaves to help ease the pain, and pumped only for relief. After about a week, we’d made it through and I’d started my medication; there was no turning back. Formula and bottles were our new normal.

Parenting is full of important decisions, and each one comes with judgment or opinions from someone. The way you feed your baby should work for your entire family and should be your decision. At the end of the day as long as your baby is thriving and happy and healthy and being FED WITH LOVE, you’re doing your job as a Mother. And that’s what I’m doing … feeding with love. And health. And knowing that I’m doing what’s best for everyone. The road travelled doesn’t look the same, but that’s what life’s all about, right? Where there’s love, there’s life; and we sure do have a lot of both in our home.

Post script:

As sad as I was to close my breastfeeding chapter, there are silver linings. Regular bras! No more leaking! DRESSES! Nudging your husband to take on a middle of the night feeding. All that mental free space where frozen milk ounce counts used to be. 

A little pie with your whipped cream

It counts as a veggie because it's pumpkin, right? : ) 

Friday Funny

For that someone special at the holidays : )